Once Upon a Time in the West

 Week Twenty-four: Once Upon a Time in the West

Yes, it’s no use saying that you don’t know nothing.

It’s still gonna get you if you don’t do something.

Sitting on a fence that’s a dangerous course.

Oh you could even catch a bullet from the peace-keeping force,

Even the hero gets a bullet in the chest.

Oh yeah, once upon a time in the west.

—Dire Straits, Once Upon a Time in the West, from Communique

There are countless references to not learning one’s lessons; you know, something like “First time the dog bites you it’s his fault; the second time it’s yours.” And there’s “once bitten, twice shy,” which is more where I am these days.

Years ago a friend of mine was embroiled in a nasty, nasty divorce made that way through his own selfish behaviors. I was party to it all from both sides. At one point or another I was consulted. Both of them called on me. Both of them deputized me.

Things were so bad, that it seemed like no matter what either of them said or did, the other objected. The fighting was vicious. At one point he described her demand for a certain sum of money. I have forgotten the details, but I do remember that it was more than he claimed he could afford or that he was willing to agree to give her. He met with me to explain how unfair her demands were and to ask for my opinion of it all. I listened, and I thought I understood what he was saying, which can be summed up this way: she asked for a lot of money each month, he would initially refuse to pay it, they would argue over it, then he would give it to her.

My response sounded something like this: pay it or don’t pay it, but don’t refuse to pay it then argue about it but then pay it. I thought I was saying quite simply that he could eliminate the middle portion of the monthly scenario. In other words he should pay it and shut up or he should not pay it and shut up, but in either case, shut up--stop arguing about it.

Her phone call to me was furious. I don’t think I said six words without her screaming at me. Why had I told him not to pay her? She needed that money! Who was I to get involved?

Um...I didn’t think I advised him not to pay her. I thought I advised him to stop arguing with her. Apparently he thought I advised him to stop paying her. She most definitely thought I advised him to stop paying her. I know I caught a bullet from the peace-keeping force.

I have retired from advice-giving, which brings me to my friends in Europe. After 27 years and four children, she informed him that she wanted a divorce. After a year of suspicion, his worries were confirmed. Being several thousand miles apart made my involvement less direct than it might have been had I still been living in Europe where they lived, but it did not preclude it. I had seen the things he had questioned, and I also suspected that the involvement of a certain younger man might prove to be important. None of that lessened my surprise when a colleague of his contacted me to report their break up.

I was even more alarmed by the reports of his reaction. So much for the danger of stray bullets.

When the smoke cleared months...many months...down the road I think I dodged most of the bullets fired in anger, and I am not convinced any of them were aimed at me. In hindsight I can see that the mere mention of the certain younger fellow’s name in one of my emails to her was answered with silence, complete silence, which led me to believe that my input was no longer welcomed. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wFg1c_L9XPY