Lay Lady Lay

 Week Thirty-four: Lay Lady Lay


Stay, lady, stay, stay with your man a while

Until the break of day, let me see you make him smile.

His clothes are dirty, but his hands are clean,

And you’re the best thing he’s ever seen.


—Bob Dylan, Lay Lady Lay, from Nashville Skyline



Much to the embarrassment for my wife of 51 years, whenever the opportunity arises I am prone to asking a total stranger to guess the number of years we’ve been married. Now mind you, I am not inclined to approach people on the street to ask them to guess, but in certain well-timed circumstances it seems cool...to me; not Deb so much.


I suppose that if I were to be somewhere in a leather-rich office, lying prone, and staring skyward revealing the far reaches of my cluttered mind I could figure out why I do that. Perhaps I am mining for compliments; you know…”Wow, 51 years! You don’t look old enough to be married 51 years!” or “That’s awesome! It takes a special couple to make 51!” I’m pretty sure I don’t need an overpaid psychiatrist to figure out why…


Perhaps I do it so that I get to answer the inevitable question, “What’s the secret?” For one thing, the secret is that there is no secret. The thing that is mistaken for something secretive is actually forgiveness, but I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me explain…


Marriage requires mindfulness, and mindfulness is nothing more than thoughtful consideration; realistic, thoughtful consideration. Easier said than done, for sure. If marriage is a commitment—a genuine pledge of dedication and longevity—then a close and honest periodic evaluation is part and parcel. I’m convinced that the willingness (or perhaps ability) to do so is missing for many, many people whose marriages end in divorce. I also realize that the same close and honest, periodic evaluation can lead directly to divorce for couples who admit they are mismatched or otherwise made a commitment they are unwilling to keep; but for now I am talking about that “secret” I mentioned.


Marriages that last 51 years are like Texas Hold ‘Em, sooner or later you go “all in”. But in marriage, pushing the entirety of one’s chips to the center of the table is not a gamble; it’s a guarantee. Sooner or later the folks who stay married decide that is their fate, and in so doing accept that all is forgiven. I mean no regrets, no conditions, and no resentment of past indiscretions; and let’s face facts, everyone has them. From gambling to wandering, from laziness to missed opportunities, it is easy, easy, easy not only to cast blame but to hold on to it for a long, long time.


In essence that is another form of mindfulness. Marriages, especially long marriages, are successful in the present. Past pleasures and fond memories have nothing to do with this moment, and the future holds nothing except the promise of more present moments.




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rWz88VY-FkA

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